It’s Wimbledon time again – a beautiful haze of Pimms, strawberries and cream, rain, and a bit of tennis if we’re lucky. Tennis and small business are pretty similar – they both require skill, passion, dedication, and luck. So how would popular business and political figures shape up on the court? Bandanas and tennis whites at the ready… it’s Small Biz Wimbledon!
CHUKA UMUNNA (MP) vs RICHARD BRANSON (Business Legend)
Chuka “Kick up a Racquet” Umunna
Youth: He’s a spring chicken, so he’d be acrobatic on the court.
Strategy: Takes the hardline – persistent and gets results.
Fan support: People’s hero. ‘British Obama’. Kind of a babe.
Physical condition: In good state but no information about his regime.
Scandal rating: Edited own Wikipedia page. Embarrassing.
Richard “Goldenballs” Branson
Youth: Not so sprightly, but not past it yet.
Strategy: Work hard until you win everything.
Fan support: Won our Small Biz Elections, is known worldwide.
Physical condition: Always powerlifting in Virgin gyms.
Scandal rating: Sometimes dresses as an airline stewardess off-court.
WINNER: “Goldenballs” takes this round effortlessly, despite Umunna’s best efforts, proving sometimes experience tops youth.
LEVI ROOTS (entrepreneur) vs PETER JONES (Dragon)
Levi “Too Hot To Handle” Roots
Youth: His coolness belies his years.
Strategy: Always inventive, not afraid to put himself out there and take a risk.
Fan support: People can’t get enough of his spicy approach – plus he’s supermarket endorsed.
Physical condition: In good nick for one whose livelihood is developing amazing food.
Scandal rating: Spun a story about his Reggae Reggae sauce’s origin for ‘marketing’ purposes.
Peter “Hard-Hitter” Jones
Youth: Eh, he’s still the right side of 50.
Strategy: Keeps an eye out for the best opportunities – but sometimes misses the ball.
Fan support: Daily Mail voted him number one best husband material. Ladies, queue up.
Physical condition: Rarely seen out of his suit, he’s secretive about his regime.
Scandal rating: Accused of putting money raised by his charity back into his own businesses… erk.
WINNER: It’s a close one, but Peter’s smooth backhand wins the day. Fiery Levi throws down his racquet in a fit of rage.
MARY PORTAS (Business Advisor) vs ALAN SUGAR (Dragon)
Mary “Queen of Shots” Portas
Youth: Strangely ageless, but can she keep up on the court?
Strategy: Makes the best out of things and not afraid to try new techniques.
Fan support: Millions watch her on the tellybox and admire her hair.
Physical condition: Mary maintains her fashionable figure on a regime of Irish sea moss, green tea, and philanthropy.
Scandal rating: Accused of staging scenes for her television series. Amount of hairspray she uses deemed an environmental hazard.
Alan “Sweet Ace” Sugar
Youth: One of the older contenders. Danger of putting his back out.
Strategy: Many different approaches, Al’s gutsy and goes with his instinct.
Fan support: Loved, disliked, and laughed at in various measures. A business baddy with a heart of gold.
Physical condition: A few less steaks and brandies would probably do wonders for his game.
Scandal rating: Swore at a teenage boy who used his famous catchphrase “You’re fired!” on him. Better keep your cool if you want to win, Alan!
WINNER: They don’t call her “Queen of Shots” because she’s partial to the vodka. Alan isn’t used to losing, but he takes it with good grace.
Do you like this article? You might also like our inspirational quotes applied to small businesses, or business figures who look like animals.
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